EDWARD CULLEN was down on one knee asking me to mother his children. He took out a small black velvet box from his left pocket, opened it, and there sat a 24-karat Tiffany diamond ring like a lone evening star shining in the northern sky.
My vision was blurred with tears of joy and I was about to say "YES" when suddenly Lil' Wayne came singing "Mrs. Officer". This is really weird, I thought to myself, because her voice seemed to get louder and louder and I started to feel a strange vibration on my left temple.
I looked down to where Edward was kneeling and he was gone.
Oh no! this can't be happening.
Good Lord God! Noooooooooooooooooooo!!!!
With my eyes sealed with morning glory muck and my brain still rebooting, my right hand looked for my quivering cellphone and found it under my pillow.
"Hello?" I said, doing my best to sound like an OGRE with a really bad case of laryngitis, which I found is a foolproof way of telling whoever was calling that I will have him or her skinned alive if what he or she is about to tell me is not a matter of life and death. Whoever is calling this time better be telling me that great balls of fire are falling from the sky, or else...
"Good morning BAKLA"
It's JECKAY. Apparently, the Ogre Method does not apply to her.
"Ui bakla.. Ba.."
"Baklakakalerkidikamaniniwalasasasabihinkokakaloka!!!'
"Huh?"
"Ay sorry. Mabilis ba mashado?"
"Oo, bakla ka. Wala akong naintindihan"
"Kaya nga parati nilang sinasabing Asoaso ako kasi ang bilis bilis ko daw magsalita tapos kinekeme pa nila na ang pranka pranka ko daw kaya maraming naasar sakin ang bilis daw ng bunganga ko wala daw silang maintindihan na..."
"BADING!" I almost screamed. My God, it's too early in the morning for her.
"Yez?"
I took a deep breath. "Bakit ka tumawag?"
"Ay, oo nga pala. Okay, babagalan ko a. Sabi ko, 'Bakla, kakalerki! Di ka maniniwala sa sasabihin ko. Kakaloka'. Ayan"
"Anu bakla?" I said while thinking of something to say that would get her to end this undeserved torture.
"Sige. Maniniwala ako sa lahat ng sasabihin mong bakla ka para lang makabalik ako sa pagborlog ko"
Silence on the other end, and then, "Talaga?"
"Yez bakla."
"Kahit ano pa yun?"
"Kahit anong keme pa!"
Another pause, and, "Oh, Okay, good! Borlog ka na ulit.. Bye Bye AICEL.. Lavyu bakla!"
And Jejkay hangs up the phone. She is like that sometimes. Okay, I take that back, she's like that all the time!!"
I tried to go back to sleep after that intellectually-stimulating conversation with Jecka. (If you call it one, better yet, if you could call it a conversation.) After minutes of tossing and turning and concentrating really hard to start my Edward Cullen dream all over again. I gave up!
Staring at the ceiling, the organizer in my head reminded me that it is Friday morning and we had a midterm exams. I turned and looked at the alarm clock on my beside table. It was screaming 07:00 in big bold red digital numbers. HOLY SH*T!!
I jumped out of my bed, grabbed my phone and running towards the bathroom in my over sized white T-shirt and polka-dotted underwear.
"Ay Tae." I said with a sigh of relief and squeezed the white paste out of the tube of Colgate, "Hindi na naman ako nagising ng alarm clock."
"Ay nako parati na lng ganito! kakaloka na.. Tapon ko na nga tong PUTANG INANG alarm clock na toh.. Wit kwenta amputa!"
After what could hardly be considered a shower, I dressed up quickly haist.. showing up late on my midterm exams looking I'd just been embalmed would cost me my living!
In the stairs going down my house to the street, something just didn't feel right and i can't quite put a finger on it. I didn't leave my reviewers needed for my exams because it's right here on my left hand. I am wearing my underwear, my bag and my shoes. I have my earrings both of them from my earlobes. I couldn't figure out what was wrong until I checked my bag and saw ATM card. Suddenly, the cash in my wallet flashed in my memory: 50 pesos and the word WITHDRAW quickly followed after that. Put them together, equals me having to COMMUTE to RTU on a Friday morning!!
ANAK NG mmmm... NAMAN OH!!!
